March 24, 2003

It started out like a normal Monday. We were stationed in San Angelo texas and I remember the weather was gorgeous that spring. Lots of rain made for a spectacular display of our state flower, the bluebonnet. That morning was bright and gorgeous.

Josh and Benji, then 9 and 7 were excited that I finally was letting them walk to school with their friends for the first time. Little did they know that I was excited to not have to get their three year old sister, Grace out of bed quite so early.

I had just lied back down for a little snooze when the phone rang. It was a nurse from pediatrics. Benji had an MRI to see what was causing his siezures the Friday before and she was calling to let me know the results were in. She told me to NOT bring, Benji, but to bring my husband. As she said that, my heart started thudding in my chest and i felt sick inside. It couldn’t be good news at this point. I remember calling my husband at work and begging his coworkers to have him call back. It was an emergency. Ten minutes later, Rick came home to find me on the stairs, sobbing, while Grace sat with me, confused. We spent the next little while getting Grace to a friend’s house and driving to the clinic. After we got to the clinic, the nurse, without meeting our eyes, directed us to Dr Sawyer’s office.


The next ten minutes spent waiting for him were pure torture. When he finally came in with Ben’s records, he didn’t seem to know what to say. I remember asking him something, to which he answered, "We’ll talk." At that point, I asked why he couldn’t just tell us what was going on. Then he said the words that would change our lives forever. "Benji has a brain tumor." I remember looking over at Rick and he had the most PLEASANT look on his face. Almost as if Dr. Sawyer just told him it was going to rain. His expression just stayed the same. Dr Sawyer, then started saying words like cancer, surgery, astrocytoma, Cooks medical center. Words that made no sense and didn’t fit into OUR family. All I could think was "My God, this is how we’re going to lose him." We’re going to LOSE him. I had never heard of anyone survivng a brain tumor. I felt so sad that he would not get to do all those normal things. I worried about how Josh would take possibly losing his best friend. I wondered if Grace would remember the brother who called her goose and loved her so much. This is what it’s like to be told your child has cancer.

I called Glenmore and a secretary answered the phone. I blurted out the news and she put the school counselor on the phone immediately. We then went to the school and talked with her about the situation and how we would tell Benji his life as he knew it was over. Again, it struck me how utterly gorgeous the weather was that day. I didn’t want to tell him. I wanted him to have that innocence.It was like if I didn’t tell him, then it wasn’t real.

The rest of that day was a flurry of phone calls and appointments to get Benji ready for surgery. Opthamology, Neurology, neurosurgery, oncology. The list of appointments grew. We made arrangements for my mother in law to come care for Josh and Grace while we dealt with Benji. That evening we took the kids to the park. I sat and stared and prayed. I prayed almost constantly during that time. Nothing eloquent, just please God, let me keep him. . That day was a nightmare I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Everytime I woke up that night, it was just "Please God, Please God. over and over.

Benji’s school handled everything so graciously. His teacher and the school counselor told his first grade class and they all hugged a teddy bear to send with Benji. One of Benji’s teachers said that the counselor called a meeting with every teacher that had worked with the boys. this teacher said that everyone was devastated. I was devastated to hear this because I just wanted my child to be one of the gang, not the child with the brain tumor. The school raised three hundred dollars in two hours. This enabled us to pay for lodging while waiting to get into the Ronald McDonald house. Benji was actually able to go to school during this time between appointments.

One day was April Fools day. What I wouldn’t have given to be able to say April Fools. This is all a joke. We wore out a path between Angelo and Dallas. The Bluebonnets were spectactular that year, but i barely noticed.

His surgery was April Fourth and praise God, he’s been tumor free ever since. We live in San Antonio now. Benji is 16. The bluebonnets are out and they remind me of that sad time eight years ago when I thought I would lose my child.

Then I look over and I see Benji, with his fuzzy hair, freckles, and snarky little attitude and i don’t feel so sad anymore. I feel grateful that Benji is here with us and able to enjoy the bluebonnets with the rest of his family! Thank you, God!!!

A bitter sweet time of year....

As I sit here, enjoying a lovely spring day here in Texas, I can't help but think back to other springs in Texas. One spring day in particular, was especially beautiful. I spent a lot of time walking around outside on that day. It was gorgeous, clear and sunny, warm, with birds singing and the sound of kids outside playing. My boys picked some dandelions and were selling them to the neighbors. I was walking up and down the block, trying to coax my baby girl into making her debut. The next day, an equally beautiful day, our family welcomed Grace into our family. These perfect spring days make me smile when I think back to her birth.

Fast forward a few years. A different town in Texas. Equally beautiful weather. My boys were nine and seven. Grace was three and we had a whole week of spring break to enjoy. That year, I felt an almost urgent need to make spring break special. So we ate a lot of ice cream, had a lot of paydates and spent hours at the park, just playing and soaking up the Texas sunshine.
Spring break ended and within a few weeks, our lives changed forever.

Fast forward a week after spring break. A beautiful sunny Monday. My boys walked to school by themselves for the first time and I was just relaxing with Grace when the phone rang. Within a few hours, we had found out that my son, Benji, who was just in first grade, had a brain tumor.
Parts of that day are a blur. Parts of that day are forever etched in my memory. One moment that stands out in my mind is picking up the boys from school. We went outside and it was just gorgeous. I remember asking my husband how we could have gotten such bad news on such a beautiful day.

Thankfully, it's been nine years since that day, and Benji is still with us, whole and healthy.
Grace is now twelve years old and all three of my kids are looking forward to their spring break. Hopefully, they'll have gorgeous weather to relax in. I'm looking forward to having these days with my kids and making some awesome memories!