March 24, 2003

It started out like a normal Monday. We were stationed in San Angelo texas and I remember the weather was gorgeous that spring. Lots of rain made for a spectacular display of our state flower, the bluebonnet. That morning was bright and gorgeous.

Josh and Benji, then 9 and 7 were excited that I finally was letting them walk to school with their friends for the first time. Little did they know that I was excited to not have to get their three year old sister, Grace out of bed quite so early.

I had just lied back down for a little snooze when the phone rang. It was a nurse from pediatrics. Benji had an MRI to see what was causing his siezures the Friday before and she was calling to let me know the results were in. She told me to NOT bring, Benji, but to bring my husband. As she said that, my heart started thudding in my chest and i felt sick inside. It couldn’t be good news at this point. I remember calling my husband at work and begging his coworkers to have him call back. It was an emergency. Ten minutes later, Rick came home to find me on the stairs, sobbing, while Grace sat with me, confused. We spent the next little while getting Grace to a friend’s house and driving to the clinic. After we got to the clinic, the nurse, without meeting our eyes, directed us to Dr Sawyer’s office.


The next ten minutes spent waiting for him were pure torture. When he finally came in with Ben’s records, he didn’t seem to know what to say. I remember asking him something, to which he answered, "We’ll talk." At that point, I asked why he couldn’t just tell us what was going on. Then he said the words that would change our lives forever. "Benji has a brain tumor." I remember looking over at Rick and he had the most PLEASANT look on his face. Almost as if Dr. Sawyer just told him it was going to rain. His expression just stayed the same. Dr Sawyer, then started saying words like cancer, surgery, astrocytoma, Cooks medical center. Words that made no sense and didn’t fit into OUR family. All I could think was "My God, this is how we’re going to lose him." We’re going to LOSE him. I had never heard of anyone survivng a brain tumor. I felt so sad that he would not get to do all those normal things. I worried about how Josh would take possibly losing his best friend. I wondered if Grace would remember the brother who called her goose and loved her so much. This is what it’s like to be told your child has cancer.

I called Glenmore and a secretary answered the phone. I blurted out the news and she put the school counselor on the phone immediately. We then went to the school and talked with her about the situation and how we would tell Benji his life as he knew it was over. Again, it struck me how utterly gorgeous the weather was that day. I didn’t want to tell him. I wanted him to have that innocence.It was like if I didn’t tell him, then it wasn’t real.

The rest of that day was a flurry of phone calls and appointments to get Benji ready for surgery. Opthamology, Neurology, neurosurgery, oncology. The list of appointments grew. We made arrangements for my mother in law to come care for Josh and Grace while we dealt with Benji. That evening we took the kids to the park. I sat and stared and prayed. I prayed almost constantly during that time. Nothing eloquent, just please God, let me keep him. . That day was a nightmare I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Everytime I woke up that night, it was just "Please God, Please God. over and over.

Benji’s school handled everything so graciously. His teacher and the school counselor told his first grade class and they all hugged a teddy bear to send with Benji. One of Benji’s teachers said that the counselor called a meeting with every teacher that had worked with the boys. this teacher said that everyone was devastated. I was devastated to hear this because I just wanted my child to be one of the gang, not the child with the brain tumor. The school raised three hundred dollars in two hours. This enabled us to pay for lodging while waiting to get into the Ronald McDonald house. Benji was actually able to go to school during this time between appointments.

One day was April Fools day. What I wouldn’t have given to be able to say April Fools. This is all a joke. We wore out a path between Angelo and Dallas. The Bluebonnets were spectactular that year, but i barely noticed.

His surgery was April Fourth and praise God, he’s been tumor free ever since. We live in San Antonio now. Benji is 16. The bluebonnets are out and they remind me of that sad time eight years ago when I thought I would lose my child.

Then I look over and I see Benji, with his fuzzy hair, freckles, and snarky little attitude and i don’t feel so sad anymore. I feel grateful that Benji is here with us and able to enjoy the bluebonnets with the rest of his family! Thank you, God!!!

A bitter sweet time of year....

As I sit here, enjoying a lovely spring day here in Texas, I can't help but think back to other springs in Texas. One spring day in particular, was especially beautiful. I spent a lot of time walking around outside on that day. It was gorgeous, clear and sunny, warm, with birds singing and the sound of kids outside playing. My boys picked some dandelions and were selling them to the neighbors. I was walking up and down the block, trying to coax my baby girl into making her debut. The next day, an equally beautiful day, our family welcomed Grace into our family. These perfect spring days make me smile when I think back to her birth.

Fast forward a few years. A different town in Texas. Equally beautiful weather. My boys were nine and seven. Grace was three and we had a whole week of spring break to enjoy. That year, I felt an almost urgent need to make spring break special. So we ate a lot of ice cream, had a lot of paydates and spent hours at the park, just playing and soaking up the Texas sunshine.
Spring break ended and within a few weeks, our lives changed forever.

Fast forward a week after spring break. A beautiful sunny Monday. My boys walked to school by themselves for the first time and I was just relaxing with Grace when the phone rang. Within a few hours, we had found out that my son, Benji, who was just in first grade, had a brain tumor.
Parts of that day are a blur. Parts of that day are forever etched in my memory. One moment that stands out in my mind is picking up the boys from school. We went outside and it was just gorgeous. I remember asking my husband how we could have gotten such bad news on such a beautiful day.

Thankfully, it's been nine years since that day, and Benji is still with us, whole and healthy.
Grace is now twelve years old and all three of my kids are looking forward to their spring break. Hopefully, they'll have gorgeous weather to relax in. I'm looking forward to having these days with my kids and making some awesome memories!

Here we go again. Sigh.....

So for the past several months, I've been dealing with cysts in my breasts. For the most part, these cysts have been harmless. In November, I ended up having a suspicious looking cyst biopsied. Thankfully, the biopsy showed no malignancy. The diagnosis was typical hyperplasia, which is good news. My doctor told me to follow up in May or sooner if there were any concerns.

Well, guess what? A month ago, I found two new lumps. I've gone through a full cycle to see if they'd shrink, go away, or grow. They've not shrunk, they're still there and the one feels slightly bigger than it did last month.

My dilemma is, I'm about almost totally sure these are more harmless cysts. I was tempted to just keep watching and go in May as scheduled. But these lumps are in my breast. So today I sucked it up and called for an appointment. And wouldn't you know it? For the first time EVER, I had a male operator when I called camo. What are the odds? So I'm going to see my PCM on January 23rd and we will go from there. Any and all prayers would certainly be appreciated. I guess it's better to go in and feel stupid, than to take a chance that there could be something bad. Thanks!!

Oh what a night, Texas style!!!

Monday night, my husband and I attended a very special event in Austin. It was a benefit concert to raise money for the victims of the Central Texas fires. the acts included Willie Nelson, George Strait, Lyle Lovett, The Dixie Chicks, Joe Satriani, Eric Johnson, Asleep at the Wheel and the Texas Tornadoes. The Emcee for the evening was Emmy award winning actor,  Kyle Chandler. It was an an amazing show musically, but also amazing was the way so many people came together for such a great cause. Over $500,000 was raised that night. My husband and I felt blessed to be there.
The musicians were incredible that night.

Music.

When I was about five, my older brother got a toodloop radio for his birthday. I remember it was blue and I was jealous that my brother could listen to music any time or anywhere he wanted. Back then, the only thing we had was WABC.
A couple of years later, my uncle gave me a stuffed mouse with a radio inside. I was in heaven. I loved listening to the radio while riding my bike. It was amazing being able to have music everywhere I went. I was hooked.
Years went by. During those years, I had boomboxes, and walkmans and cassette players. The novelty of taking my music with me never went away.
After growing up, having music was was still a huge part of my life but it was limited to my car.
A few years ago, I heard about this gadget called an ipod. I was unfamiliar with with the whole music download process so it just seemed beyond me. Itunes, ipod, imac, ihadnoclue. Whatever.
Then one night, my son won an ipod shuffle. He went home and started an itunes account. It was easy!! The next week, I bought myself a shuffle. Just like that, I had my beloved music back. In a little gadget the size of a matchbook.  I was hooked.
Since then, I've gone from a shuffle to a nano to my current itouch.  I take it everywhere with me. It's an everyday part of my life. Amazing that such a little device can have the capacity to hold so much music.and.make such happiness for so many people. All from a man who dropped out of college and built a computer in his garage. Rest in peace, Steve Jobs. You've most definitely made a.ding in the universe.

A special day, today!!

Twenty five years ago, I started the rest of my life. Today was the first day of basic training for the United States Air Force. People have many different reasons for joining the military. the reason that i joined was simple. I wanted out of New Jersey. By the end of my first week of basic, things became more complicated.

 

I put on that uniform for the first time and suddenly it was like the blinders were lifted. I understood why I got a lump in my throat whenever I hear our National Anthem. I realized why we observe holidays like Veteran's Day and Memorial day. The red, white and blue of our flag became almost dazzling to me as i would salute it every day.

 I suddenly was a part of an amazing family who lived and served all over the world. Never again would i feel left out, lonely or a misfit, as i did so often growing up.

 

As I sit here, I'm struck by what a different time we live in. When i was active duty, war was just an exercise in a hangar. I went through each day confident that the airmen i served with would be there every day. The only danger we faced was getting busted for drinking underage in the dorm in the middle of the night with our boyfriend.

 Two towers still rose up magestically in Manhattan and our nation was innocent and secure. Today it's a whole different military. Please keep our airmen, soldiers and marines in your thoughts and prayer as they serve in such different times. these people are truly putting their lives on the line for us every day and they deserve our respect and our prayers.

The first day of the rest of my life.

Twenty four years ago, I started the rest of my life. Today was the first day of basic training for the United States Air Force. People have many different reasons for joining the military. the reason that i joined was simple. I wanted out of New Jersey. By the end of my first week of basic, things became more complicated.

 

I put on that uniform for the first time and suddenly it was like the blinders were lifted. I understood why I got a lump in my throat whenever I hear our National Anthem. I realized why we observe holidays like Veteran's Day and Memorial day. The red, white and blue of our flag became almost dazzling to me as i would salute it every day. I suddenly was a part of an amazing family who lived and served all over the world. Never again would i feel left out, lonely or a misfit, as i did so often growing up.

 

As I sit here, I'm struck by what a different time we live in. When i was active duty, war was just an exercise in a hangar. I went through each day confident that the airmen i served with would be there every day. The only danger we faced was getting busted for drinking underage in the dorm in the middle of the night with our boyfriend. Two towers still rose up magestically in Manhattan and our nation was innocent and secure. Today it's a whole different military. Please keep our airmen, soldiers and marines in your thoughts and prayer as they serve in such different times. these people are truly putting their lives on the line for us every day and they deserve our respect and our prayers.