An Amazing night!

Friday night, Jessie and i went to the Friday Night light screening for Gridiron Heroes. We arrived at about six and sat in the lobby. Jessie noticed when we were signing in, that Kyle wasn't there yet. So we grabbed a few seats and just people watched. At one point, Kyle walked in. He saw our family and came right over. As he was hugging me, I said to him, "wow, you really remember me?" He smiled and said of course he did. He came over and said hi and chatted for a few minutes. He reached out to shake Jessie's hand, but she was like " I want a hug!" So he gave her one!! He was asking about Grace's cast and what had happened, so we filled him in. I told him that I had taken Grace in for an appointment that week and was humbled by the amount of wounded soldiers that day. He was commenting how much that hopsital had built up. He then went in to the cocktail party.
About fifteen minutes or so later, we noticed that he was standing outside the party talking with a few fans. Jessie and I went up and asked about getting out pics taken with him. He graciously agreed. He then asked if we were going in to the party. I told him no. He asked why not. I told him about having the kids there. He said, so? I then had to tell him that it was slightly out of our budget, but that I'd be volunteering at BTL and he'd see me there. We talked a little about the weather last year and how much money they made and i told him how excited i was to be helping out. He seemed happy to hear that.

Then came the red carpet walk. Jessie and I were right up front. My son Josh, with his school camera, was standing WITH the media. All the actors came through and i got lots of hugs from them. Brad kept calling me cutie all night and told me not only was I a part of Dillon, but i WAS Dillon!! LOL!! Connie remembered my name and my Texas necklace and I told her I remembered that the charm on my necklace was her goodluck charm for the Emmy's. Kyle finally came through and signed an autograph for me. I gave him another hug and a kiss on the cheek and he kissed me back and smiled! Then it was time to go in to the screening.

The screening itself was awesome. Gridiron Heroes called up a football player and his family and presented them with a handicapped accessable van. It was a great moment. God bless the Canales' and everyone associated with Gridiron Heroes. They have truly been a blessing to so many families.
We watched both episodes and went through the autograph signing and then went home. My son, Josh got some awesome pics of the actors and I'll post them here as soon as I upload them to photobucket. I'm sure Jessie will post her experiences too. I'm so glad she finally got a hug and a picture.

I'm so blown away that Kyle remembered me and my family. He treated us like old friends. My husband was blown away by how quickly he came over to us after he saw we were sitting there.

Overall, it felt like a family reunion, I felt like after all those seasons extra-ing for FNL, all those early mornings, late nights, sometimes, shooting two or three times a week for long hours, I, and my family, were really appreciated. It was a great night!!

Clear eyes, full hearts.....

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v191/A....es%20Screening/

Eight years ago today, the surgery..,,

It was eight years ago today that my son Benji had surgery to remove a brain tumor. I spent the last precious preop moments memorizing Benji and telling him how precious he is and how much we love him. How happy he makes everybody who meets him. I sent him to surgery knowing that I said everything that needed to be said.

During the surgery, time slowed down and sped up. i remember some things vividly, and other things are a blur. I remember the Muslim couple with their prayer rug, and their worried faces. I remember the male nurse who came in, and called this couple out of the room. They never returned.

The OR nurse would call every hour or so ,and update me. Each call would keep me going for another hour or so, so I never panicked.

My pastor, music minister and children's minister flew in, and played UNO with us. I won just about every game. I wonder if they let me win. Looking back, if I could've seen the shape I was in, I would've let me win too.
We ate mmunchies from a care package sent by the Joy school director, and talked about how special Benji was to us.

Then Dr. Shapiro came and spoke to us. Our pastor joined us in the hallway, much to the surgeon's chagrin. I remember looking at the surgeon's shoes, looking for Benji's blood, and feeling an odd mixture of relief and nausea that there was no blood. He told us that he believed he got all the tumor, but he would have to see another MRI.

I went into Recovery to see him, not knowing what to expect. A very sweet nurse met me at the door, and when I told her I was Benji's mom, she went on about how sweet and adorable Benji was. I went to his bedside, and indeed he was being sweet and adorable. Little innocent, sleepy smile on his face. He was feeling no pain. His tongue was swollen from the tube, and he wasn't thrilled about the tube sticking in his "privates", but he was fine. The scar was a surprise, but all this time later, it's still a suprise sometimes.

The next few hours were a blur, getting him all settled in ICU.
Benji's surgeon suggested to us that we go back to the house, have a meal, come back and say goodnight, then go back to the house, and sleep. Best suggestion that man could've had.

I slept like a rock that night!!

Here we are at eight years. Benji is 15 years old now. We're so blessed to have him here with us.

Eight years ago today....

Eight years ago today. It started out like a normal Monday. We were stationed in San Angelo texas and I remember the weather was gorgeous that spring. Lots of rain made for a spectacular display of our state flower, the bluebonnet. That morning was bright and gorgeous.
Josh and Benji, then 9 and 7 were excited that I finally was letting them walk to school with their friends for the first time. Little did they know that I was excited to not have to get their three year old sister, Grace out of bed quite so early.
I had just lied back down for a little snooze when the phone rang. It was a nurse from pediatrics. Benji had an MRI to see what was causing his siezures the Friday before and she was calling to let me know the results were in. She told me to NOT bring, Benji, but to bring my husband. As she said that, my heart started thudding in my chest and i felt sick inside. It couldn’t be good news at this point. I remember calling my husband at work and begging his coworkers to have him call back. It was an emergency. Ten minutes later, Rick came home to find me on the stairs, sobbing, while Grace sat with me, confused. We spent the next little while getting Grace to a friend’s house and driving to the clinic. After we got to the clinic, the nurse, without meeting our eyes, directed us to Dr Sawyer’s office.
The next ten minutes spent waiting for him were pure torture. When he finally came in with Ben’s records, he didn’t seem to know what to say. I remember asking him something, to which he answered, "We’ll talk." At that point, I asked why he couldn’t just tell us what was going on. Then he said the words that would change our lives forever. "Benji has a brain tumor." I remember looking over at Rick and he had the most PLEASANT look on his face. Almost as if Dr. Sawyer just told him it was going to rain. His expression just stayed the same. Dr Sawyer, then started saying words like cancer, surgery, astrocytoma, Cooks medical center. Words that made no sense and didn’t fit into OUR family. All I could think was "My God, this is how we’re going to lose him." We’re going to LOSE him. I had never heard of anyone survivng a brain tumor. I felt so sad that he would not get to do all those normal things. I worried about how Josh would take possibly losing his best friend. I wondered if Grace would remember the brother who called her goose and loved her so much. This is what it’s like to be told your child has cancer.
I called Glenmore and a secretary answered the phone. I blurted out the news and she put the school counselor on the phone immediately. We then went to the school and talked with her about the situation and how we would tell Benji his life as he knew it was over. Again, it struck me how utterly gorgeous the weather was that day. I didn’t want to tell him. I wanted him to have that innocence.It was like if I didn’t tell him, then it wasn’t real.
The rest of that day was a flurry of phone calls and appointments to get Benji ready for surgery. Opthamology, Neurology, neurosurgery, oncology. The list of appointments grew. We made arrangements for my mother in law to come care for Josh and Grace while we dealt with Benji. That evening we took the kids to the park. I sat and stared and prayed. I prayed almost constantly during that time. Nothing eloquent, just please God, let me keep him. . That day was a nightmare I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Everytime I woke up that night, it was just "Please God, Please God. over and over.
Benji’s school handled everything so graciously. His teacher and the school counselor told his first grade class and they all hugged a teddy bear to send with Benji. One of Benji’s teachers said that the counselor called a meeting with every teacher that had worked with the boys. this teacher said that everyone was devastated. I was devastated to hear this because I just wanted my child to be one of the gang, not the child with the brain tumor. The school raised three hundred dollars in two hours. This enabled us to pay for lodging while waiting to get into the Ronald McDonald house. Benji was actually able to go to school during this time between appointments.
One day was April Fools day. What I wouldn’t have given to be able to say April Fools. This is all a joke. We wore out a path between Angelo and Dallas. The Bluebonnets were spectactular that year, but i barely noticed.
His surgery was April Fourth and praise God, he’s been tumor free ever since. We live in San Antonio now. Benji is 15. The bluebonnets are out and they remind me of that sad time eight years ago when I thought I would lose my child.
Then I look over and I see Benji, with his fuzzy hair, freckles, and snarky little attitude and i don’t feel so sad anymore. I feel grateful that Benji is here with us and able to enjoy the bluebonnets with the rest of his family! Thank you, God!!!

The lump that won't leave.

So, about two weeks ago, I found a lump. I was getting dressed, ran my hand down my chest and there it was. I was concerned but not overly worried. I made an appointment with my provider and got seen. He said that since it was painless, not totally round and a little hard, that it was probably hormonal. He found quite a bit of lumpiness. Judging from where I was in my cycle, totally believable.
So I made a mammogram appt. The soonest I could get seen is April 5th. I figured by then, the lump would be gone.
Over the last week or so, all the lumpiness has gone down except for the lump that I was seen for. It's still painless, really hard and doesn't move. It feels like gravel. I'm starting to worry again. This is all very foreign to me. 43 years old and I've NEVER had a lump. I called today to try and get my mammo moved up. No luck. Im going to keep trying.
Please keep me in prayer over the next couple of weeks.

Happy New year!!

Okay, I'm not great at updating. In fact, I think it's safe to say, I suck at this blogging thing. yet i keep coming back and posting every so often. I think about the blog posts that catch my attention. It seems like I have an interest in those blogs that are day to day and that i can just follow lives of the bloggers that i read. Unfortunately, my day to day isn't all that blog worthy. So rather than take up valuable time and space, i'm going to update when I can and go from there.
The last time I posted, I was fixing to end my time as an extra on FNL, my family was gearing up for the summer and my kids were growing up.
I hate goodbyes. I hate seeing the end of anything. So I took myself out of FNL early. I made a conscious decision that the last Austin games would be my farewell. I said my goodbyes and i moved on. it's been bittersweet, but I don't feel like hanging on to the bitter end would have been a good idea. I left on my terms and i have no regrets about that.
 Pretty much as soon as my time on FNL ended, we had an interesting houseguest for two weeks. Some friends of ours from church were being stationed in Washington State and needed to find housing and get settled. So we hosted their mom, Reba for two weeks. It was awesome. I loved having her here. She made me feel special, like I was doing something great for her. But really, she was the blessing. Having her here added so much to our family. She was 92 at the time and shared so much history and wisdom with our kids. She has the most positive attitude and just had such a good time. I wish she could come back and stay with us again some time.
During this time, my oldest son Josh was living away from home. he took a job at Camp Tejas in the summer ministry team. We went up there to visit him one weekend and it was like seeing someone in their natural element. He just fit right in and was a part of something special. He'll be returning next summer.
With FNL ending, I was able to focus on my REAL job, doing childcare at my church. What a blessing this job has turned out to be. I love my kids, my coworkers and actually look forward to going to work each day. This job has become more like a ministry to me and I'm so very blessed.
Life has been good for all of us. Our family has been here in Texas for five years and truly feel like we're home to stay. After being military for so long, it's a great feeling to just sit still for a while.
I'll try really hard to update more often.

Nine years ago today.

Nine years ago today was a beautiful day in West Texas. It was sunny and warm, with no hint of the sadness that would come in just a few short hours.

It was tuesday, I dropped my toddler off at my next door neighbor's, then headed to Glenmore Elementary, where I was a volunteer in Josh's second grade class. Like I said, the day was beautiful. As I was pulling into the school parking lot, U2's Beautiful Day was playing on the radio. Ironically, that would be the last song I heard on the radio for many days to come. And to this day, hearing that song reminds me of that morning.

It was a busy morning in Mrs Williams room. I was busy helping the kids aith a reading assignment, when I hear an odd request over the intrcom. The office was asking for all teachers' aides to report immediately then a little while later for anyone that had a TV with antennaes to please bring them down to the office. For some reason, it reminded me of when the space shuttle Challenger blew up. I asked Ms Williams if something was happening in the news. She handed me a bit of paper that said that a plane had crashed into the Twin Towers. I had been to the twin towers as a teenager and I thought that maybe the weather was bad or it was a stunt gone horribly wrong. At that point terrorism hadn't crossed my mind.

Then the teacher's aide came back with news that another plane had hit the towers and they thought that it was intentional. The aide told me to call my husband. By the time I had called Rick, one of the towers had collapsed and there were rumors all over the place about other attacks around the country.

My husband's base was on lockdown. At that point, I was in shock. My husband was telling me all this and half my brain was registering and the other half refused to proccess any of it. At one point, I found my self asking Rick what time he would be home for lunch. It was a weird and scary conversation. I went back to Ms Williams' room and read to a couple of chilren. None of the kids knew what had happened. Though later, a fourth grader returning from a dental appointment would leak the news to his classmates. So the principal was pretty much forced to tell the older students what had happened. A part of me wanted to scoop up my kids right then and there and take them home, but I figured that they would be safe at Glenmore and i was right.

I went down the the cafeteria and loved on Benji and loved on Josh before going home. I had to get let out of the school to leave. We were on complete lockdown. The rest of the day was kind of a blur. family members and friends calling to see what we had heard and to update us.

I went to the school to pick my kids up and they had their hands full. Since the base was on lockdown, there were dozens of children who either had no way home or no one waiting for them when they got there. Everybody at Glenmore handled everything with such grace. I was so grateful that my kids were there that day. Now nine years have passed. We must never forget that day.

The rest of that week was completely horrifying. My prayers are with all of us that are affected by that day.

8/29/05

As an Air Force spouse, I've come to expect my share of adventure. But nothing could have prepared me for the adventure I'd be experiencing on a Monday in Late August 2005.

When hurricane Katrina hit, we were stationed at Keesler A.F.B, in Biloxi Mississippi. Our family had just starting getting back to normal after my son's brain tumor diagnosis. We had purchased a house on the Mississippi Gulf Coast and were planning on settling there after my husband's retirement from the U.S Air Force. At that time, life was good, Benji was healthy, the kids were happy to live so close to the beach and my husband had taken a deployment to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. None of us had any idea of what was about to happen.

Rick emailed me, then called from Cuba the Friday before. Katrina was coming and we were in the direct path. I was sick as a dog with bronchitis and remember telling Rick, "this dang storm is going to have to go around me. I can't get up off the couch."

My kids came home from a normal day at school that day only to find out that things weren't going to be normal for long. The next morning, while the boys were clearing the back yard of projectiles, My daughter, Grace and I joined the throngs of people lined up at the Wal-Mart. Everybody in line had an opinion or a theory on how things were going to play out. The general consensus was, that it was going to be bad, but not as bad as Camille. That turned out to be a fatal mistake. Biloxi's mayor A.J. Halloway was quoted as saying that Camille killed more people on Aug 29, 05 than she did the day she hit 30 years ago.

That Saturday was a flurry of packing and phone calls. By that evening, we had the van loaded and were taking stuff over to the base hospital, which was to be our shelter. As we were taking stuff up, the security guard at the desk was telling us that there were no plans to shelter as of yet. I told him that was fine. If we had to take our stuff back home, we'd do just that, but we were going to be ready.

The next morning, we found out that Katrina was a Cat Five. I had people calling me all worried, wanting me to just take the kids and bail. Every person I talked to said that they would pray for us. The pastor of our church came and boarded up our windows and we did all those last minute preps. By dinner time that night we were in the shelter watching Jim Cantore on the weather channel.

The next morning woke us up with a bang. We could hear the wind and rain at that point. It reminded me of Ivan, so I wasn't too scared. We still had power, so I spent most of the morning emailing folks, and checking out all the weather websites. The news wasn't good, but I trusted that God would keep a hedge of protection over our family.

The power went out later that morning and the rest of the day was spent hunkering down as Katrina passed through the area. It was hot, dark, and smelly. The De-humidifier wasn't working, so the floors were actually sweating. A dear woman named Betsy was with us and was reading aloud from Laura Ingalls Wilder's Farmer Boy. Let me just tell you all, this is not a good book to read when all you have to eat is cold soup and Pringles!!

That night, we were able listen to the radio and what we heard was horrifying!! Talk of people drowning in their attics, whole towns being leveled, thousands of homes destroyed. The next day or two was a bit of a blur. Hours spent listening to the radio, deciphering fact from fiction. Walks around the hospital to gather news from anyone we could. "have you heard anything new?" became the standard greeting that week.

Either Tuesday or Wednesday, I was able to contact my in-laws, and my best friend, who was in Texas.

Tuesday night was the night that Benji had his meltdown. We had just eaten grilled chicken rescued from the commissary, and I practically force fed my kids a gallon of milk, not knowing when we'd see something precious like milk again. I took him to a far away hallway and just let him cry. He asked if things were going to be normal ever again, and what if we lost our home? All I could tell him was that we would have to find a new normal and that it would be alright. God was watching over us, and no matter what happened, we were going to be fine.

Wednesday, I was able to sneak on a military line and contact Rick. I had no news on the house yet, so he was kind of on standby. However, his commander, who was from Pensacola, said that all the Gulf coast troops were going home. So, when I called back Thursday, one of the Colonels. that he worked for told me he was coming home, I burst into tears.

Later that day, they let folks out of the shelter in groups to check on our homes. When I saw my that my home was intact, I fell to my knees and just started sobbing, "Thank you, Jesus!! Thank you, God!!" I had thought that surely our home would either be destroyed or at least uninhabitable. But aside from our privacy fence being down, we had no damage. We had someone's roof in our backyard, and that was weird, but hey, what can you do?

After going back to the shelter, we could see first hand how bad so many people had it. And what people were made of. Betsy lost everything. Her husband was in Iraq and she had to deal with her home being demolished. Yet, she was the most positive person I met in the shelter and my kids and I will never forget her. She had such a calm about her. Every morning in the shelter, she'd disappear and do a bible study and pray.

That night we all waited three hours in line for a makeshift meal that the chow hall provided. We had cold hotdogs, warm strawberries, and all the orange juice we could drink. It was a gourmet meal.

The next day we went home. That night was a really strange night. No lights anywhere, but you could hear planes and copters flying overhead continuously. It was so loud and so strange. We had the windows open to let in some air, but ended up closing them because it felt like we were in a strange and dangerous place.

The power came back on Friday. The first thing I did was put one of those homestyle bake things in the oven. It was Chicken and biscuits, and to this day, we call it Katrina casserole!! Again, a gourmet feast!

That Sunday my husband came home from Cuba. He was able to rent a car in Mobile and get some groceries. I was so happy to see him, but I was appalled later to realize I pushed him out of the way to get to the groceries. I can't tell you what he was wearing that day, but i can tell you he brought home milk, produce, meat, all kinds of good stuff. I was able to make spaghetti and meat sauce that night with salad and it was heaven. Again, our whole family drank nearly a gallon of milk in one sitting. God bless Rick for bringing us milk!!!

The Sunday after Rick came home, we went to church for the first time since the storm. Sitting there was like being at a funeral at first. There were hugs and tears and seemingly endless updates of bad news. Then our pastor said something about praise and Worship. Blessed Be Your name was the first song that was played. ..> ..> ..> ..> Blessed Be Your Name Blessed be Your name When the sun's shining down on me When the world's 'all as it should be' Blessed be Your name Blessed be Your name On the road marked with suffering Though there's pain in the offering Blessed be Your name. The lyrics that are in bold hold a special meaning to me. Just standing in that church praising God while we were suffering the same as we would when the sun was shining, it was amazing and humbling. I'll never forget that moment. There was and is so much that God has blessed us all with.

Because of Benji's cancer, it was pretty much decided on the spot that we'd be leaving. I'm a military spouse, who's had to say goodbye to many places, but leaving the gulf coast, was the most heart breaking thing our family has had to do.

We love the coast, but after what happened, we don't see ever living there again. It's been five years now. I'm sitting here in Texas, fat and happy so to speak, while my kids are enjoying all the comforts of home. God has blessed us mightily. Our family still marvels at having air conditioning, power, and plenty of food and water. We're safe and we're together. My Goodness, what a miracle that is.