Eight years ago today....

Eight years ago today. It started out like a normal Monday. We were stationed in San Angelo texas and I remember the weather was gorgeous that spring. Lots of rain made for a spectacular display of our state flower, the bluebonnet. That morning was bright and gorgeous.
Josh and Benji, then 9 and 7 were excited that I finally was letting them walk to school with their friends for the first time. Little did they know that I was excited to not have to get their three year old sister, Grace out of bed quite so early.
I had just lied back down for a little snooze when the phone rang. It was a nurse from pediatrics. Benji had an MRI to see what was causing his siezures the Friday before and she was calling to let me know the results were in. She told me to NOT bring, Benji, but to bring my husband. As she said that, my heart started thudding in my chest and i felt sick inside. It couldn’t be good news at this point. I remember calling my husband at work and begging his coworkers to have him call back. It was an emergency. Ten minutes later, Rick came home to find me on the stairs, sobbing, while Grace sat with me, confused. We spent the next little while getting Grace to a friend’s house and driving to the clinic. After we got to the clinic, the nurse, without meeting our eyes, directed us to Dr Sawyer’s office.
The next ten minutes spent waiting for him were pure torture. When he finally came in with Ben’s records, he didn’t seem to know what to say. I remember asking him something, to which he answered, "We’ll talk." At that point, I asked why he couldn’t just tell us what was going on. Then he said the words that would change our lives forever. "Benji has a brain tumor." I remember looking over at Rick and he had the most PLEASANT look on his face. Almost as if Dr. Sawyer just told him it was going to rain. His expression just stayed the same. Dr Sawyer, then started saying words like cancer, surgery, astrocytoma, Cooks medical center. Words that made no sense and didn’t fit into OUR family. All I could think was "My God, this is how we’re going to lose him." We’re going to LOSE him. I had never heard of anyone survivng a brain tumor. I felt so sad that he would not get to do all those normal things. I worried about how Josh would take possibly losing his best friend. I wondered if Grace would remember the brother who called her goose and loved her so much. This is what it’s like to be told your child has cancer.
I called Glenmore and a secretary answered the phone. I blurted out the news and she put the school counselor on the phone immediately. We then went to the school and talked with her about the situation and how we would tell Benji his life as he knew it was over. Again, it struck me how utterly gorgeous the weather was that day. I didn’t want to tell him. I wanted him to have that innocence.It was like if I didn’t tell him, then it wasn’t real.
The rest of that day was a flurry of phone calls and appointments to get Benji ready for surgery. Opthamology, Neurology, neurosurgery, oncology. The list of appointments grew. We made arrangements for my mother in law to come care for Josh and Grace while we dealt with Benji. That evening we took the kids to the park. I sat and stared and prayed. I prayed almost constantly during that time. Nothing eloquent, just please God, let me keep him. . That day was a nightmare I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Everytime I woke up that night, it was just "Please God, Please God. over and over.
Benji’s school handled everything so graciously. His teacher and the school counselor told his first grade class and they all hugged a teddy bear to send with Benji. One of Benji’s teachers said that the counselor called a meeting with every teacher that had worked with the boys. this teacher said that everyone was devastated. I was devastated to hear this because I just wanted my child to be one of the gang, not the child with the brain tumor. The school raised three hundred dollars in two hours. This enabled us to pay for lodging while waiting to get into the Ronald McDonald house. Benji was actually able to go to school during this time between appointments.
One day was April Fools day. What I wouldn’t have given to be able to say April Fools. This is all a joke. We wore out a path between Angelo and Dallas. The Bluebonnets were spectactular that year, but i barely noticed.
His surgery was April Fourth and praise God, he’s been tumor free ever since. We live in San Antonio now. Benji is 15. The bluebonnets are out and they remind me of that sad time eight years ago when I thought I would lose my child.
Then I look over and I see Benji, with his fuzzy hair, freckles, and snarky little attitude and i don’t feel so sad anymore. I feel grateful that Benji is here with us and able to enjoy the bluebonnets with the rest of his family! Thank you, God!!!

The lump that won't leave.

So, about two weeks ago, I found a lump. I was getting dressed, ran my hand down my chest and there it was. I was concerned but not overly worried. I made an appointment with my provider and got seen. He said that since it was painless, not totally round and a little hard, that it was probably hormonal. He found quite a bit of lumpiness. Judging from where I was in my cycle, totally believable.
So I made a mammogram appt. The soonest I could get seen is April 5th. I figured by then, the lump would be gone.
Over the last week or so, all the lumpiness has gone down except for the lump that I was seen for. It's still painless, really hard and doesn't move. It feels like gravel. I'm starting to worry again. This is all very foreign to me. 43 years old and I've NEVER had a lump. I called today to try and get my mammo moved up. No luck. Im going to keep trying.
Please keep me in prayer over the next couple of weeks.

Happy New year!!

Okay, I'm not great at updating. In fact, I think it's safe to say, I suck at this blogging thing. yet i keep coming back and posting every so often. I think about the blog posts that catch my attention. It seems like I have an interest in those blogs that are day to day and that i can just follow lives of the bloggers that i read. Unfortunately, my day to day isn't all that blog worthy. So rather than take up valuable time and space, i'm going to update when I can and go from there.
The last time I posted, I was fixing to end my time as an extra on FNL, my family was gearing up for the summer and my kids were growing up.
I hate goodbyes. I hate seeing the end of anything. So I took myself out of FNL early. I made a conscious decision that the last Austin games would be my farewell. I said my goodbyes and i moved on. it's been bittersweet, but I don't feel like hanging on to the bitter end would have been a good idea. I left on my terms and i have no regrets about that.
 Pretty much as soon as my time on FNL ended, we had an interesting houseguest for two weeks. Some friends of ours from church were being stationed in Washington State and needed to find housing and get settled. So we hosted their mom, Reba for two weeks. It was awesome. I loved having her here. She made me feel special, like I was doing something great for her. But really, she was the blessing. Having her here added so much to our family. She was 92 at the time and shared so much history and wisdom with our kids. She has the most positive attitude and just had such a good time. I wish she could come back and stay with us again some time.
During this time, my oldest son Josh was living away from home. he took a job at Camp Tejas in the summer ministry team. We went up there to visit him one weekend and it was like seeing someone in their natural element. He just fit right in and was a part of something special. He'll be returning next summer.
With FNL ending, I was able to focus on my REAL job, doing childcare at my church. What a blessing this job has turned out to be. I love my kids, my coworkers and actually look forward to going to work each day. This job has become more like a ministry to me and I'm so very blessed.
Life has been good for all of us. Our family has been here in Texas for five years and truly feel like we're home to stay. After being military for so long, it's a great feeling to just sit still for a while.
I'll try really hard to update more often.

Nine years ago today.

Nine years ago today was a beautiful day in West Texas. It was sunny and warm, with no hint of the sadness that would come in just a few short hours.

It was tuesday, I dropped my toddler off at my next door neighbor's, then headed to Glenmore Elementary, where I was a volunteer in Josh's second grade class. Like I said, the day was beautiful. As I was pulling into the school parking lot, U2's Beautiful Day was playing on the radio. Ironically, that would be the last song I heard on the radio for many days to come. And to this day, hearing that song reminds me of that morning.

It was a busy morning in Mrs Williams room. I was busy helping the kids aith a reading assignment, when I hear an odd request over the intrcom. The office was asking for all teachers' aides to report immediately then a little while later for anyone that had a TV with antennaes to please bring them down to the office. For some reason, it reminded me of when the space shuttle Challenger blew up. I asked Ms Williams if something was happening in the news. She handed me a bit of paper that said that a plane had crashed into the Twin Towers. I had been to the twin towers as a teenager and I thought that maybe the weather was bad or it was a stunt gone horribly wrong. At that point terrorism hadn't crossed my mind.

Then the teacher's aide came back with news that another plane had hit the towers and they thought that it was intentional. The aide told me to call my husband. By the time I had called Rick, one of the towers had collapsed and there were rumors all over the place about other attacks around the country.

My husband's base was on lockdown. At that point, I was in shock. My husband was telling me all this and half my brain was registering and the other half refused to proccess any of it. At one point, I found my self asking Rick what time he would be home for lunch. It was a weird and scary conversation. I went back to Ms Williams' room and read to a couple of chilren. None of the kids knew what had happened. Though later, a fourth grader returning from a dental appointment would leak the news to his classmates. So the principal was pretty much forced to tell the older students what had happened. A part of me wanted to scoop up my kids right then and there and take them home, but I figured that they would be safe at Glenmore and i was right.

I went down the the cafeteria and loved on Benji and loved on Josh before going home. I had to get let out of the school to leave. We were on complete lockdown. The rest of the day was kind of a blur. family members and friends calling to see what we had heard and to update us.

I went to the school to pick my kids up and they had their hands full. Since the base was on lockdown, there were dozens of children who either had no way home or no one waiting for them when they got there. Everybody at Glenmore handled everything with such grace. I was so grateful that my kids were there that day. Now nine years have passed. We must never forget that day.

The rest of that week was completely horrifying. My prayers are with all of us that are affected by that day.

8/29/05

As an Air Force spouse, I've come to expect my share of adventure. But nothing could have prepared me for the adventure I'd be experiencing on a Monday in Late August 2005.

When hurricane Katrina hit, we were stationed at Keesler A.F.B, in Biloxi Mississippi. Our family had just starting getting back to normal after my son's brain tumor diagnosis. We had purchased a house on the Mississippi Gulf Coast and were planning on settling there after my husband's retirement from the U.S Air Force. At that time, life was good, Benji was healthy, the kids were happy to live so close to the beach and my husband had taken a deployment to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. None of us had any idea of what was about to happen.

Rick emailed me, then called from Cuba the Friday before. Katrina was coming and we were in the direct path. I was sick as a dog with bronchitis and remember telling Rick, "this dang storm is going to have to go around me. I can't get up off the couch."

My kids came home from a normal day at school that day only to find out that things weren't going to be normal for long. The next morning, while the boys were clearing the back yard of projectiles, My daughter, Grace and I joined the throngs of people lined up at the Wal-Mart. Everybody in line had an opinion or a theory on how things were going to play out. The general consensus was, that it was going to be bad, but not as bad as Camille. That turned out to be a fatal mistake. Biloxi's mayor A.J. Halloway was quoted as saying that Camille killed more people on Aug 29, 05 than she did the day she hit 30 years ago.

That Saturday was a flurry of packing and phone calls. By that evening, we had the van loaded and were taking stuff over to the base hospital, which was to be our shelter. As we were taking stuff up, the security guard at the desk was telling us that there were no plans to shelter as of yet. I told him that was fine. If we had to take our stuff back home, we'd do just that, but we were going to be ready.

The next morning, we found out that Katrina was a Cat Five. I had people calling me all worried, wanting me to just take the kids and bail. Every person I talked to said that they would pray for us. The pastor of our church came and boarded up our windows and we did all those last minute preps. By dinner time that night we were in the shelter watching Jim Cantore on the weather channel.

The next morning woke us up with a bang. We could hear the wind and rain at that point. It reminded me of Ivan, so I wasn't too scared. We still had power, so I spent most of the morning emailing folks, and checking out all the weather websites. The news wasn't good, but I trusted that God would keep a hedge of protection over our family.

The power went out later that morning and the rest of the day was spent hunkering down as Katrina passed through the area. It was hot, dark, and smelly. The De-humidifier wasn't working, so the floors were actually sweating. A dear woman named Betsy was with us and was reading aloud from Laura Ingalls Wilder's Farmer Boy. Let me just tell you all, this is not a good book to read when all you have to eat is cold soup and Pringles!!

That night, we were able listen to the radio and what we heard was horrifying!! Talk of people drowning in their attics, whole towns being leveled, thousands of homes destroyed. The next day or two was a bit of a blur. Hours spent listening to the radio, deciphering fact from fiction. Walks around the hospital to gather news from anyone we could. "have you heard anything new?" became the standard greeting that week.

Either Tuesday or Wednesday, I was able to contact my in-laws, and my best friend, who was in Texas.

Tuesday night was the night that Benji had his meltdown. We had just eaten grilled chicken rescued from the commissary, and I practically force fed my kids a gallon of milk, not knowing when we'd see something precious like milk again. I took him to a far away hallway and just let him cry. He asked if things were going to be normal ever again, and what if we lost our home? All I could tell him was that we would have to find a new normal and that it would be alright. God was watching over us, and no matter what happened, we were going to be fine.

Wednesday, I was able to sneak on a military line and contact Rick. I had no news on the house yet, so he was kind of on standby. However, his commander, who was from Pensacola, said that all the Gulf coast troops were going home. So, when I called back Thursday, one of the Colonels. that he worked for told me he was coming home, I burst into tears.

Later that day, they let folks out of the shelter in groups to check on our homes. When I saw my that my home was intact, I fell to my knees and just started sobbing, "Thank you, Jesus!! Thank you, God!!" I had thought that surely our home would either be destroyed or at least uninhabitable. But aside from our privacy fence being down, we had no damage. We had someone's roof in our backyard, and that was weird, but hey, what can you do?

After going back to the shelter, we could see first hand how bad so many people had it. And what people were made of. Betsy lost everything. Her husband was in Iraq and she had to deal with her home being demolished. Yet, she was the most positive person I met in the shelter and my kids and I will never forget her. She had such a calm about her. Every morning in the shelter, she'd disappear and do a bible study and pray.

That night we all waited three hours in line for a makeshift meal that the chow hall provided. We had cold hotdogs, warm strawberries, and all the orange juice we could drink. It was a gourmet meal.

The next day we went home. That night was a really strange night. No lights anywhere, but you could hear planes and copters flying overhead continuously. It was so loud and so strange. We had the windows open to let in some air, but ended up closing them because it felt like we were in a strange and dangerous place.

The power came back on Friday. The first thing I did was put one of those homestyle bake things in the oven. It was Chicken and biscuits, and to this day, we call it Katrina casserole!! Again, a gourmet feast!

That Sunday my husband came home from Cuba. He was able to rent a car in Mobile and get some groceries. I was so happy to see him, but I was appalled later to realize I pushed him out of the way to get to the groceries. I can't tell you what he was wearing that day, but i can tell you he brought home milk, produce, meat, all kinds of good stuff. I was able to make spaghetti and meat sauce that night with salad and it was heaven. Again, our whole family drank nearly a gallon of milk in one sitting. God bless Rick for bringing us milk!!!

The Sunday after Rick came home, we went to church for the first time since the storm. Sitting there was like being at a funeral at first. There were hugs and tears and seemingly endless updates of bad news. Then our pastor said something about praise and Worship. Blessed Be Your name was the first song that was played. ..> ..> ..> ..> Blessed Be Your Name Blessed be Your name When the sun's shining down on me When the world's 'all as it should be' Blessed be Your name Blessed be Your name On the road marked with suffering Though there's pain in the offering Blessed be Your name. The lyrics that are in bold hold a special meaning to me. Just standing in that church praising God while we were suffering the same as we would when the sun was shining, it was amazing and humbling. I'll never forget that moment. There was and is so much that God has blessed us all with.

Because of Benji's cancer, it was pretty much decided on the spot that we'd be leaving. I'm a military spouse, who's had to say goodbye to many places, but leaving the gulf coast, was the most heart breaking thing our family has had to do.

We love the coast, but after what happened, we don't see ever living there again. It's been five years now. I'm sitting here in Texas, fat and happy so to speak, while my kids are enjoying all the comforts of home. God has blessed us mightily. Our family still marvels at having air conditioning, power, and plenty of food and water. We're safe and we're together. My Goodness, what a miracle that is.

My Time with FNL

Recently, I had the bitter sweet privilege of filming the final Austin games for the show, Friday Night Lights. This show has been a huge part of my life for the past four years. I'm a fan of the show, but I'm also a background extra. I started out getting booked in the hopes of meeting Kyle Chandler. That turned out to be just the beginning of an amazing chapter in my life and my family's life.

The first scene we filmed was a church scene. The cool thing about that was, that it was REAL! A real worship service going on while we were filming. How cool is that? When my kids and I showed up, we met the most interesting people and were introduced to a culture that I never knew existed. It was like dropping in on another planet. I was hooked.

The next filming was also a church scene. I actually found the nerve to tell a production assistant about my son and his cancer and ask if there was any possible way we could meet Kyle Chandler. After we were done filming, we got to meet him and he was beyond gracious.

And from that point on, I, along with my family have been devoted extras. We've done football games, church scenes, restaurant scenes. I've been a wife to numerous men and and a mother to numerous children. I've laughed and cheered at pep rallies and I've cried at a funeral. I've worshipped in at least two churches and have eaten my way through many restaurants in Dillon.

I've met celebrities, aspiring actors and folks who love the show, and like me, want to support it in the most tangible way possible. How many people get to actually work on the set of their favorite show, alongside their favorite actor? It's been one of those unusual blessings in life that I thank God for often.

That's not to say that all is perfect in Dillon. There have been some times when I wonder why I'm doing this.

The process of being an extra is very much like the military. There have been some report times as early as 6:00AM. You show up on set half asleep with wardrobe in hand and are immediately herded into a sign in line. Once you're signed in, you fill out your voucher, then you wait in the wardrobe line. The wardrobe line is reminiscent of my days in basic training. The wardrobe lady looks at what you have, inspects you and tells you what to wear. After that is all done, then you hurry up, get changed and then......you wait. and wait and wait and wait. Then just as you get lulled into relaxing, the production assistants come in and start barking orders. You're then told where to stand, when to walk in and what to do as often as it takes to get the scene right.

There are times when the weather is not on your side. In Texas, the weather can go from 90 degrees to 50 degrees in a half hour and you have to stay in the cooler clothes for the sake of continuity. The call times can be hard to deal with. I've had early morning call times and I've driven home from filmings as late as 5:AM

There are extras on the set that are so ambitious and competitive, that they'll gladly step on you on the way up the ladder. The lying, tattling and pot stirring could rival any soap opera. And conversely, there are extras that are just there to either meet Tim Riggins, or get an easy paycheck for little or no work. It's amazing how shocked some of these folks are when they realize they actually have to work to get that check.

All in all, it's been an unforgettable ride. I can't believe it's been four years. This experience has changed me in ways that I never thought possible. I'm not afraid of little things anymore. I'm not such a homebody anymore. I have more confidence in myself and I'm more willing to try new things. This show has really taken me out of my comfort zone and for that I will always be grateful.

Some really cool memories...
Meeting kyle!! What an awesome, humble person he is. He has made me and my family feel special and for that, he will always have a special place in my heart. What a treat it has been watching him do what he does best. I've gotten to watch him turn into Coach Taylor. I've gotten to watch him fool around on set and show us his food and throw a football around like a big kid. I've gotten the opportunity to share my faith with him, tell him how I feel about him, that I pray for him and his family, and that I'm thrilled that they are all here in Texas together. I wish Kyle the best and i'm so glad that he was Coach Taylor.

Showing up on camera!! OMGosh, this was the one thing that always surprises me. I never go into a scene trying to get on film, so seeing myself is always a special treat. First time i showed up on camera was season two, sitting right behind Landry. You could see me for a whole five or ten seconds. I was floored!! I've showed up a few more times since then and it never fails to make me all giddy inside.

Being a fan on the set. I'll never forget filming a dance scene on a Friday Night, watching Friday Night Lights in the holding area while waiting to film!! I have no words to describe how surreal that was.

Friday Night lights and my faith. I'm a born again Christian. Since this show came on the air, i have felt compelled to pray for the cast, crew and the show in general. The fact that my first booking was a real church scene, just showed me how this show can be used to connect Hollywood and God in a real and powerful way.

The friendships. I have met so many different kinds of people through this show. Before FNL, My circle of friends and aqaintances were either military spouses like myself, or friends from church, again, like myself. I've met people from this show that I never would have met otherwise. I'm so blessed by the friendships that have been formed over the past four years.

Friday Night Lights and life imitating art. My son is a junior at Judson high school, a football powerhouse here in Texas. Before this show, he had no interest in football or FNL. After watching a few episodes, he became a fan. He opened his eyes to the world around him and started to show an interest in high school football. Today, he's the Judson athletic photographer, and an aspiring film maker. His  biggest influence? FNL creator, Pete Berg.

The cool factor. I can't tell you how many people think i'm just the coolest person on the planet because i'm on Friday Night lights. I have to admit, it's fun having an instant ice breaker at parties. I really do get a kick out of hearing people say that they've seen me on TV.

So that's been what the past four years has meant to me. People have asked me if I'm sad about this show and this chapter of my life coming to an end. I am sad to a point, but then i think back to an interview with one of the producers. He said something to the affect of there was a story to tell and when that story was finished, the show would be finished too. I have every confidence that this story will have a good ending. I'm so blessed to have been a part of it all and I'll never forget it. Clear eyes, full hearts....

What a week(end) i've had. I was supposed to go in friday for my day surgery. its a D and C and an ablation. it's a day surgery that is under sedation that is supposed to lessen my period flow. I went to the preop on thursday and was told to report to day surgery at 11:00 this past friday. Rick and I walked into the hospital friday and it was as quiet as can be. It turns out that because of memorial day, it was a down day at the hospital and day surgery was the only clinic open.

There were two people ahead of me. A man who was already in when I checked in and a lady who's appointmen was an hour before mine.

They started my IV, got me into a gown and told me to wait. We we waited and waited. then the docs came out and told us the man had complications and they needed to keep the OR open so my case would be delayed a bit. So we wait some more. In the mean time, my period started and between the cramps and the gushing everytime i stood up, it was getting to be a nightmare and I just wanted to get this done.

So a few hours went by and I had nothing to eat since the night before. It was getting really tense. Then at about 5 or 6, the docs came out and told me i would not be getting my surgery that day because the man had to be opened back up three times and was now on bypass. I couldn't get mad at that because that poor man was probably dying and one of the other patients saw his family out in the waiting room crying, so what could i do, but just pray for this family.

So my surgery is rescheduled for 7 June, this Monday. In the meantime, this weekend, I had the very worst period ever. I could barely leave the house, it was that bad. The good thing is, if i had any second thoughts about getting this done, this weekend just strengthened my resolve. There's no way on this planet I will go through another period like that if i can help it. Not much new with FNL lately. Between my kids, my other job and this surgery, it's barely on the stove, let alone the back burner. I think this week, I'm going to focus on my kids' last week of school, get my preop stuff done(again) and just relax.